Thursday, April 29, 2010

I Want To Raise "Boo"

I watched Monsters, Inc. tonight by myself, because, you know, I'm a grown man and such. And I have some serious questions about the character of Boo (super adorable kid pictured above). For starters, where the fuck were the parents in all of this? Their kid disappears into the closet like that freaky blonde girl in Poltergeist and the parents don't worry themselves sick? Have they even seen this child? Have they ever really paid attention to the flawless adorability that is Boo? Hmmm? Come on, she's goddamn perfect. Oh, maybe they did know and were concerned and were out looking? Fine, sure, but they'd have to spend a moment or two being heartbroken in her room too, just crying and wandering aimlessly as they pet her toys. It's like Boo's parents never even read The Lovely Bones. Fuck them. Fuck Boo's parents.

So, anyway, this got me a-thinking new questions, specifically: Why can't I raise Boo myself?

I mean, right? I'd be crazy not to want to raise this child!

This stuck with me.

I want to raise this fake child. I want to fake adopt her and fake treat her like a fake princess. I'd fake seriously be the best fake dad ever.

For a long while now, I've thought about how I can barely dress myself in the morning, so a kid would die within my booze-soaked, cigarette-ashed, cut-up twentysomething hands. But Boo's changed me. She makes me want a fake child. Now. And not just any child. Her. I want to raise Boo.

I honestly think my new fascination with raising this cartoon kid has surpassed my previous fascination with bopping cartoon women. Well, not women, I guess. I suppose it's really just Jessica Rabbit.

Also, just so we're clear, I wouldn't raise Boo with Jessica Rabbit. I'd kick that redheaded tramp to the street if it meant I could raise Boo in a good home. My home. I want to raise this fake girl and I want to raise her right! I don't know what female cartoon character would be a good mother, but...actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'm raising this kid myself. Look at me. So brave. A fake single dad. And I want to be goddamn incredible about it. In fact, starting right now, I'm gonna research raising cartoon children and quit my bad habits. I'm going to better myself for the inane, stupidly unreasonable challenge of raising a cartoon kid (and maybe possibly time-traveling).

Ok, again, I just want to clear up things further: Jessica Rabbit wouldn't be around to help raise Boo, but I would still do everything in my power to bop that sultry bitch when Boo had a babysitter that I have interviewed and trusted. Boo would be fine at home and I'd sure miss her, but, man, the fake acts I'd pull with Jessica Rabbit...damn. So, once more, to reiterate, I would never bring Jessica Rabbit home. That's my home with the precious Boo. I would take Jessica Rabbit out drinking, maybe to a sleazy motel, I don't know, I haven't figured the whole thing out yet. Maybe I'd let Jessica Rabbit meet Boo...? But they wouldn't really hang out. I feel like Jessica Rabbit would accidentally have cocaine on her fingers or something. I'd have to hose Jessica Rabbit down before she could even talk to Boo.

Whoa...hosing down Jessica Rabbit...maybe at a mansion...disguises...shine shoes...yeah. So...anyway...I want a raise a ghost or something.

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