Thursday, September 15, 2011

Jake's Stupid Day of Idiocy

5:15 a.m. - Jake's alarm goes off.

5:50 a.m. - Jake gets out of bed.

6:05 a.m. - Jake is on the road.

6:30 a.m. - Jake notices that his engine light is on.

6:31 a.m. - Jake notices his temperature gauge is past the H.

6:33 a.m. - Jake exits the 405 and pulls into a residential neighborhood to open his car's hood.

6:34 a.m. - Jake blames himself for not knowing cars better or generally at all.

6:35 a.m. - Jake recalls the folks at Jiffy Lube telling him that he might have a coolant leak about two months ago, though there haven't been signs or trouble since, so Jake didn't really do anything about it.

6:36 a.m. - Jake curses himself for never doing anything about it.

6:40 a.m. - Jake fills his radiator with coolant.

6:45 - Jake starts his car, only for it to rumble as his temperature gauge flies past the H once again. Jake opens a book and starts reading.

6:50 a.m. - Jake starts up car again with a slightly better sound, but then turns the car off and goes back to reading.

6:53 a.m. - Jake calls his father to ask what overheating a car is like. Jake's father doesn't pick up, so Jake leaves a voicemail and then goes back to reading.

6:55 a.m. - Jake gets out of the car and goes to check the engine again, but very quickly notices that the asphalt is covered in coolant.

6:56 a.m. - Jake decides that the people at Jiffy Lube were right about that whole coolant leak theory and goes back to reading.

7:10 a.m. - Jake texts work that his car has practically blown up and he will most likely be late.

7:20 a.m. - Jake's father calls him back, but Jake misses the call because he's standing on a stranger's lawn, sighing rather loudly to himself.

7:23 a.m. - Jake calls his father and leaves another message.

7:24 a.m. - Jake leans his against the steering wheel, continuously exhaling audible sighs.

7:45 a.m. - Jake's father calls him back and tells him what to do.

8:00 a.m. - After hoping everything would just fix itself if he kept doing nothing, Jake calls AAA.

8:10 a.m. - Jake becomes a member of AAA again after forgetting to renew the past two years.

8:15 - Tow truck is dispatched by AAA.

8:20 a.m. - Jake watches two kids leave a house for school and approaches the house to ask if he can use the restroom.

8:21 a.m. - Seeing as how nobody answered, Jake spends a full minute listening to someone shower, yet still hopes that the door will be answered. After a sense of creeperdom overcomes him, Jake flees the yard.

8:25 a.m. - Jake wonders if he has enough time to run to the nearby elementary school to use their restroom facilities, though the tow truck should be there by 8:35 a.m.

8:30 a.m. - Jake decides to go for it and jogs to the local grade school.

8:33 - After debating which is the office entrance for several minutes, Jake watches a tow truck drive by and sprints back to his car.

8:37 a.m. - Jake gets sound advice from AAA guru, who suggests Jake take his car to nearest AAA-approved auto shop. Jake agrees.

8:40 a.m. - Jake changes his mind and ignores sound advice, so he can pay $100 to drop car off at family friend mechanic he trusts.

8:41 a.m. - AAA guru decides Jake's an idiot and doesn't see any reason to further speak with him.

8:45 a.m. - Like a stupid low-budget comedy, the three wacky men (the gangly uninformed white twentysomething with the broken car, the older and wiser Philipino AAA tow truck guru and the near-30 Mexican nice guy driver learning the ropes) all pile into the tow truck bench seat and set off for adventure.

8:46 a.m. - Nice guy asks Jake if his full name is Jacob. To which, Jake shrugs and says, "Nah, just Jake. My parents hated the named Jacob for whatever crazy reason."

8:47 a.m. - Nice guy tells Jake he has a nice watch and then tells a story about how his girlfriend bought him a fake cool watch that broke within the week. Jake laughs and the two talk about Target watches while the AAA guru in the middle doesn't say a word.

8:55 a.m. - After several minutes of silence, Jake panics and asks how long they've worked for AAA. Nice guy says a year and guru says 14 years. No one talks to Jake for the rest of the drive.

9:20 a.m. - Jake and crew arrives at beloved mechanic. Jake asks how business is. Mechanic informs him, "It's good. I mean, you keep bringing me a lot of business."

9:21 a.m. - Jake realizes how much doctors and mechanics must love him.

9:30 a.m. - Jake's mother picks him up.

9:40 a.m. - Jake wakes his brother up, so he can borrow his car. Sleepy brother agrees.

9:45 a.m.- Jake notices how dirty his brother's car is, so he gives it a quick hose-down.

9:46 a.m. Jake carelessly throws the hose down to go turn it off, but said hose lands on the ground with the push-handle down and the spout up, suddenly spraying Jake like a sprinkler. Jake yells and frantically dashes out of the water, as his mother, brother and dog watch speechlessly from the window.

9:47 a.m.- Jake sits in his brother's car with soaked pants and starts his drive to Los Angeles for the second time, arriving sometime around 11.


jason daniel said...

So wait, I wonder which of your parents hate the name Jacob. I mean, really, you can't think of any reason???

P.S. Why the hell would you sit there and read and NOT call AAA?

Jake Kilroy said...

Your first point legitimately made me laugh out loud. So good. It wasn't just Locke though! It was Deb too (unsure if you've bestowed her with a nickname).

Secondly, when it comes to car (and, actually, most things in my life, now that I think about it), my first idea is always to wait. And then my second idea is to panic and do something. Also, when life gives me lemons, I think, "Hey, what if some hot babe just randomly showed up right now with some tasty lemonade, so that I could barter these dumb lemons for said exquisite lemonade?" Just because babes haven't randomly shown up with lemonade before doesn't mean they'll never arrive.

jason daniel said...

I miss you.