Thursday, May 30, 2013

From The Archives of Jake Kilroy

I write a several times every week. It could be a poem. It could be an essay. It could be fiction. Or it could be the wild space known as miscellaneous. I never want to get rusty, so even when I don't have inspiration or motivation, I'll write...something. Anything! But a whooooole lot of it turns into nothing pretty quickly, and I'll move onto something else. So the pieces just sit there as drafts, unpolished, untouched, unfinished. Well, yesterday, I went through my drafts for the first time in years, and I was stunned by how many items I had abandoned.

Anyway, if you're wondering what the drafts of a twenty-something idiot writer, here's a batch of the nonsense.

September 6, 2012
Junkie mad spirit, restless as a roller in church. Made prayers in the bathroom, somewhere between the cigarette and the pill. The house of a god is getting hotter. Somebody pay the bills. We ain't got nowhere to go but up from here, but that's only 'cause we haven't got the strength to dig to Hell. We probably ain't welcome there either. Not good enough for the Lord, not bad enough for the Devil. This is the dumbest march we've ever taken underfoot. I remember when I was a gumshoe. The women were wilder then. This season is a burning one, save for the few cool-offs in mountain lakes and group showers. Hot damn, you could eskimo kiss out here in the brink. Wait for sunset. It'll be better then.

August 13, 2012
"I'm just trying my best to not get old," said the young man in a straw hat, a white shirt, and pin-striped pants. He kicked the smoke out of his gut and scratched his head in the heat.

"And the women?"

"Always the women."

He nodded and put his face in his palms.

"I'm worried if I'm alone, I'll fall apart."

"I have the exact opposite worry."

March 22, 2012
reading classic literature,
followed by horror novels,
followed by the cold shivers,
followed by not eating.

November 4, 2011
Holy shit, people. Steve Jobs was an incredible guy who did incredible things in the world of technology and communications. He built one of the greatest companies in the history of business. I absolutely agree. His dedication to his brand made it a brand dedicated to its customers.

But, come the fuck on, he didn't personally raise you. He wasn't president of the world.

October 26, 2011
Pre-Halloween Plans: Party all weekend.

On-Halloween Plans: Watch From Hell and pass out candy to kids.

Post-Halloween Plans: Recover from stomachache.

August 13, 2011
When I record music, I feel wildly productive until the realization later comes that I just spent an entire day getting drunk with my dog.

August 4, 2011
“There’s A Moon Out Tonight” by The Capris played on the radio that sat on the white wood railings of the back porch. It was the Fourth of July, and Judy and Jack waited for fireworks.

May 18, 2011
I rarely think of myself as a genius. And when I do, it's not because I said or wrote anything profound. I've come to realize that the only time I award myself the title of "genius" is when I make complex meals without recipes (which is often achieved by randomly combining ingredients I find around the kitchen) or by turning one meal into many. That's about it. I really only declare myself a genius when I have a mouth full of food. "Kilroy, you magnificent bastard genius," I recently announced to myself with a mouth full of rice noodles and soy chicken, watching yet another episode of Cheers (the entire series is on Netflix's instant streaming, people). I had heroically saved the broth of Saturday's royal noodle soup and turned it into a fourth meal by adding a few ingredients. USA! USA! USA!

March 30, 2011
"Hey, what do you think of Gail?"

"Who's Gail?"

"You know...Gail. Gail, Wesson's secretary."

"Isn't she only like 30?"

"Yeah, so? We're only like 30."

"Yeah, but not named Gail."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I just don't think anyone under the age of 45 named Gail should be trusted."

"I can't tell if you're paranoid or delusional."

"I'm cautious."

October 11, 2010
The most out-of-touch my mother has ever sounded was when I said, "Oh man, I'm stoked," and she replied, "So this stokes you?"

October 1, 2010
"Break-neck speed!" yelled the toad captain.

"We're out of beer," said the badger, sifting his paw through the ice of the cooler.

September 22, 2010
As Casey Affleck has informed the public that I'm Still Here is, in fact, a work of fiction, meaning that Joaquin Phoenix was acting, then...well, I've come to be inspired. This bold (and confusing and pretty radical) performance piece has made it so other actors, such as myself, can finally come clean about it all. And I have a big announcement to make.


I know, right? Your mind is so blown that its collapse into itself like a dying star. Your face is now a black hole. You've nearly swallowed your tongue. You've got "boners of intrigue." But guess what? It means you were part of my big performance! How cool is that? But it also means that a lot of what I did was fake. Acting!

That time I let you down? Fake.

That time I RSVP'd "Yes" to that event and didn't attend? Fake.

Those hundreds of times that I didn't answer my phone? Fake.

That time I said something super hurtful? Fake.

That time I made you cry for no good reason? Fake.

That time I told you whatever you liked was stupid? Fake.

That time I swore I'd send you something in the mail and didn't? Fake.

That time it took me weeks or months too long to respond to your e-mail? Fake.

So,'re welcome, America. I did it for the ladies and gentlemen of the world. I did it for the history books. I did it for art.

July 29, 2010
"I think we should see other people."

"I thought we were seeing other people."

"No...wait, have you been seeing other people?"

"No...have you?"


"Right," he said, "because we can't see other people."

"Well, you can now."

"And so can you."

"Actually, I've already started seeing someone."

"Is it that guy downstairs with the stupid red hair?"

"No, that guy's gay."



"Hmmm. So who's the guy?"

"I don't think it's best to talk about it."

May 19, 2010
I hope there's a point in my life where I'm forced to say, "I've had too much drugs. No more for me."


Erin Mahoney said...

This stokes me

Jake Kilroy said...

My mom would love you, Erin.

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